omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
he fucked my hip out of place.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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