now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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