Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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