Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
