I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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