everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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