im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
