well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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