I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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