This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
