how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
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