Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
