can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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