you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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