Just fell off a train. Bad.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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