i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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