I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
