i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found puke in my bra..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
