it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
