Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
