after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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