mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
