hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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