Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
