she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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