2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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