I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
