Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
