I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize