Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
