I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
