Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
