my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
