I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
BRING THE BAGELS
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
