she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
