Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
