I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
