I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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