we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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