ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
