I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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