I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
