Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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