Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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