Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
