my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
