They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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