This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was born a porn star she said
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
NoShamevember. You game?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
