I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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