im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Randomize
