I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize