he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Do vagina's smell?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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