A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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