ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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