ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
