You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
