If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
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