apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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